Running an election campaign is not for the faint of heart. There’s endless talking, endless traveling, endless photo shoots, and endless food. It seems like every other day there’s a picture of either Clinton or Trump posing at a local restaurant, trying to show voters that they’re a local like everybody else. Despite persistent nonsense that she’s a cold, mean robot, Hillary loves food – and who can blame her? If you’re looking for the secret foods that give her the energy to keep campaigning, read on.
One of Hillary’s go-to wineries, Fox Run Vineyards, pops up in a list of her favorite places in New York State. Located in the stunning Finger Lakes district, they boast what Clinton calls “some of New York’s best Riesling”, and a “beautiful view of Seneca Lake”.
It’s unknown how often Clinton gets the chance to visit the winery, given her busy schedule. But after a hectic day of electioneering, we could forgive her for pouring herself a glass of grape juice and curling up in the fetal position. The stress of presidency has seemed to rapidly age Obama – maybe she’s trying to avoid going down that same road. In any case, Fox Run Vineyards seems to be a go-to place for many people, including celebrities and politicians.
According to multiple sources, Clinton is just a fiend for ice cream. When speaking about the Northern Lights Creamery in upstate New York, she simply says: “if you can't decide between the homemade gelato or ice cream, there's just one answer: get both”. It seems like this attitude doesn’t just stop at one ice cream shop - if she can’t decide, she has it all.
Here’s a taste of a regular day on the campaign trail: Whitey’s Ice Cream shop in Iowa for a Drumstick, then Dairy Queen in Nashua for a raspberry malt, then another Dairy Queen near Grinnell for Snickers Blizzard. We assume there was some actual campaigning in there somewhere. And a brain freeze or two. And a few hundred calories.
Hillary revealed just a few months ago on a radio show that she carries hot sauce around with her everywhere. In her handbag. In our minds, this fact should automatically win her the presidency. We’re actually calling for a constitutional amendment where anyone caught with hot sauce in their handbag gets the full two terms, no questions asked.
Clinton’s love of peppers is well documented, and all that spicy stuff is no doubt what gives her the fire to take down Donald Trump every day. It may also be possible that she’s saving the sauce to douse Trump on live television. Now that would be a sick burn.
Walter Scheib, who cooked for the Clintons during their White House stay, dropped a devastating truth bomb: Hillary likes to snack on Boca Burgers. Oh Hilary, you had us liking you for a while there, but soy burgers? Really? We know that Bill’s a vegetarian, but we thought you were made of stronger stuff.
We’d like to keep the dream alive. We want to love you, Hillary, despite an apparent fondness for processed vegetarian garbage. So let’s just pretend you had them around to use as paperweights. Or door stops. Or to patch up a bald tire.
It would take a special and terrible kind of monster that didn’t like pizza. Luckily for us, Hillary’s not a monster. She loves her pie just as much as the rest of us. In a year of campaigning, her team ordered from Domino’s an insane 85 times. I guess you could say they were greasing the campaign wheels.
It’s not just the mass produced pizzas, either. Two of Hillary’s favorite New York restaurants, Defazio’s and Roberta’s, make a damn delicious crust, and being a presidential figure definitely helps with those table wait times. Though it might not just be the pizza drawing Hillary to Roberta’s: there’s also the slim chance that one of the waitresses might be buck naked. Just Google it if you don’t believe us.
We’ve had it drummed into us since we were little kids: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. While it doesn’t seem to work quite the same way on Donald Trump, the occasional healthy snack does seem to be keeping Hilary’s campaign on the right track between all that pizza and ice cream. In her own words, “fresh apples are one of the few healthy snacks I can't get enough of”.
Her favorites are from New York, the second biggest producer in the country. Not only does she keep bowls of them at home and in the office, in the past she’s even persuaded JetBlue airlines to put them on their flights a month out of every year. If only our kids were as dedicated to being healthy.
Another campaign staple for Clinton is a big old sandwich. And when you’re expected to be all over the country, what better to-go food than one actually invented by a politician? Amongst her campaign staff, Jimmy John’s seems to be the favored brand, with over $5000 worth of subs consumed to date.
Clinton herself usually looks to the more gourmet options, and is not afraid to get her hands dirty in the search for a killer sandwich. At Giannelli Sausage in North Syracuse, she recommends using a bib to tuck into their hot sausage, pepper, and onion offering. Oh Hilary, you’re making our mouths water.
Fighting scandal spot fires over long and sleepless nights requires caffeine, and lots of it. And not just for those duking it out in the election. We’re going to make a completely unsubstantiated claim and say that coffee consumption, per capita, triples during the campaign season. If you want to find someone working harder than a politician right now, just walk into your closest Starbucks.
Of course, coffee can also be a way to catch up with friends and unwind. Hillary chooses her local deli and café for that, Lang’s Little Store in her upscale Chappaqua neighborhood. “The only thing better than the coffee and sandwiches [there’s those sandwiches again!] is getting to catch up with all the friends who drift in and out all day long”, she says of her and Bill’s local haunt.
When Donald Trump famously compared Hillary Clinton to bad popcorn, it probably cut Clinton more than he realized. You see, she’s been a big fan of popcorn (although let’s face it, who isn’t) since the early days. Describing a Saturday night at the movies while she was studying at Wellesley, her friend – and later labor secretary for Bill – described how she smashed a box of popcorn “with a lot of butter”.
See, Trump? Now that’s good popcorn. Hillary recently reaffirmed her love with a campaign trail stopover at Popcorn Heaven in Cedar Falls, Iowa. Their specialty: an incredible-sounding white cheddar cheese and caramel. It’s lucky those photojournalists were there to keep Hillary restrained, or we may have seen some truly disturbing scenes of popcorn guzzling.
With all this junk food, you’d think that the campaign would suffer while Hillary quietly slipped into a food coma. But for all the extra energy, her and her team’s donut consumption might be harming her presidency tilt in another weird way. They’ve hit up Dunkin’ Donuts over 50 times since the campaign started, for a total of almost $4,000 worth of delicious, delicious, pleasure rings.
There’s only one tiny problem (or hole, I guess) with that: Dunkin’ Donuts’ Political Action Committee (PAC) has donated over ten times that amount to the Republicans. We’re aware of stomachs turning on their owners, but this is the first case we’ve heard where their stomach votes for an entirely different political party.
In the war for the hearts and minds of Americans, no battleground is more heated than the one in New York city. Both presidential hopefuls (and Bernie Sanders, too) have claims to being True, Real, Original New Yorkers (TM) and both Clinton and Trump are trying to out-New-York each other at every turn. But here’s the real test: which one of them will actually eat a NY street dog?
Certainly not Trump, who is a known germaphobe and would probably balk at eating something which looks like it visited the same solarium as him. On the other hand, Hillary’s actually been seen eating hot dogs, and is probably more desperate than Trump to retain her hold on the traditionally Democratic state. Our guess is that she’s been spending her time on the trail practicing holding one down.
There no comfort food quite like the old-fashioned meat-o-rama of a big barbeque. And when your husband’s a recently converted vegan, there’s only so much can you handle before the temptation to literally pig out becomes overwhelming. Don’t worry Hillary, we’ve been down that road.
Dinosaur Bar-B-Que is apparently her favored meat-fountain in New York. It’s true that no matter how hard she barbeques, she’ll never win Texas. But not every piece of food has to be politically motivated. Sometimes it’s enough to just be flippin’ tasty.
Away from all the political spin and the photo opportunities, where does HC turn for a quick snack? The answer is something that Donald Trump would never have considered: Mexico. Just a few months ago, Clinton was spotted at Chipotle in Ohio ordering a taco bowl with all the other regular folks. She went incognito – so incognito that the manager at first failed to recognize her – and polished off a chicken bowl with guacamole.
We’re not going to analyze all of her bowl choices (we’ll leave that to a more serious publication), but we will say, with authority, that guacamole is God’s own condiment and a sign of an incredibly refined palate. Don’t be ashamed of your taco love, Hillary. We’re all with you on that one.
Chicken and Waffles
Clinton’s fondness for Southern cuisine doesn’t stop at Tex-Mex and Barbeque – she goes for chicken and waffles, too. One visit on the campaign trail might just be an anomaly, but Hillary just keeps on “conveniently” scheduling meetings at a chicken and waffles joint wherever she can find one. Sure Hillary, you’re there to “discuss” “policy”, and definitely not chow down on the best food combination ever discovered.
Though to be fair to Hillary, there is another plus point to eating at chicken and waffle houses. After spending all day, every day making tough campaign decisions, here’s the one place where you don’t have to think at all. The decision of what to order is more or less made up for you the moment you walk in the door. I think we can allow her a few easy wins.
Donald Trump, For Breakfast
We’ll readily admit that it hasn’t been the smoothest of campaigns for Hillary. And with reports that she’s slipped a few points in the polling, some would think that she’s facing an uphill battle. When you’re facing off against a certified buffoon like Trump, though, you barely need to come up with a winning strategy. Just let him defeat himself.
Let’s look at some of the classic Trump witticisms that he’s come up with. "If Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her”. "Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day". "It's freezing and snowing in New York - we need global warming!". “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters”. Alright, Trump, we’re suddenly not that hungry anymore.
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